You probably don’t even realize you’re doing it.
What is the reason why men pull away in a relationship?
If you’ve dated enough, you’ve probably found yourself in a familiar situation: falling in love with a guy you really like and wondering why he’s not reciprocating.
Is it something you said? Something you didn’t say?
Now, there could be a million reasons…or more!
Men, like women, are all individuals with their own baggage.
Is he pulling away because of a vibe you’re giving off? Maybe.
Or maybe for another reason — he’s scared, he’s insecure, or he’s not the committing type. (Or he’s already committed and his wife gets mad when he dates!)
There are so many things you can’t control, but it’s better to focus on what you can to answer the question, “Why do men pull away?” in the context of your own thoughts and behaviors when dating.
The answer might have to do with your black and white thinking.
Yes, if your brain looks like a checkerboard, that could be the issue.
Many people think in black and white — things are good or bad, right or wrong — but the world we live in is full of shades of gray. Thus, black and white thinking can create a problem, particularly in relationships.
How does this manifest?
For starters, it can manifest around the idea of trust. You might look at trust through a black and white lens: you either trust the man you’re with 100 percent or you trust him zero percent — there is no compromise.
Yet, learning how to build trust is something that develops over time — the foundation is built on middle ground.
Another one of these black and white areas may be around your level of interest. You’re either extremely interested in the guy or you’re not interested at all (and thus, won’t even pursue him).
When only those two options are present, there is no room for playfulness or mistakes. There is no room for curiosity. Rather, the date almost feels like a job interview: the man either gets hired as your boyfriend or he doesn’t.
Black and white thinking can also manifest through the idea of commitment. You might ask yourself, “Is he going to commit or not?“
It’s easy to understand why this is a concern: women, like people in general, don’t want to waste their time and they want only to invest in a relationship with people who are invested in them.
That’s not unhealthy, but fretting over commitment (after one, two, or three dates) is.
The decision to commit to someone takes time on your part as well. In fact, when people commit to each other too soon, they tend to have issues down the road. This is why “jumping into things” is never a good idea.
Committing to anyone before you truly know them is just asking for trouble and a divorce hearing.
Think of it this way: premature certainty creates more uncertainty. These words aren’t true just in relationships but in other parts of life, too.
Would you want to buy a house before you were really sure you liked it? Would you want to sign a contract with a company before you were really sure you wanted to work there?
Would you want to cut your hair if you weren’t truly sold on the style?
Why should dating be any different?
Getting out of the either/or thinking can do wonders for your relationship woes (and yourself).
It allows you to see the things that come with relationships — trust, attraction, commitment — as they truly are: not an all or nothing thing but on a spectrum that changes as your relationship progresses.
If you slow down and actually allow things to unfold, you are better prepared to make smarter decisions and more attuned to your intuition and your heart.
This requires, on some level, getting comfortable with uncertainty. If you can expand your window of tolerance and learn to better handle the “not knowing” then you will prevent yourself from pushing men away or calling it quits prematurely because you’re afraid you’ll get hurt.
It’s actually pretty simple: your ability to pick a high-quality partner is in direct proportion to your ability to be in a relationship with uncertainty.
While this sounds like a lofty goal, you are already comfortable with uncertainty on several levels. You can’t know for certain that you won’t lose your job tomorrow.
You can’t know for certain that you won’t get a flat tire on the way to a very important appointment. You can’t know for certain that a giant asteroid isn’t headed towards earth.
Uncertainty is part of life. If you can learn to accept that it is also part of relationships, you will do yourself — and your heart — a huge favor.
Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator. He delivers private virtual coaching sessions and leads online group workshops. Register for his free webinar that reveals the 3 Keys to Attracting and Keeping a High-Quality Man or grab his free guide 8 Secrets To Create A Rock Solid Relationship.