It’s been a long, long time since I’ve written about my divorce — so long in fact, that many of you may not even know that Mike is my second husband, and that Chelsea and Conor are my children by my first marriage. This is primarily because as more and more time has passed — and I’ve led a rich full life — I’ve had less need to write about it. My kids have not talked to their dad in years, and we no longer have any ties legally or financially. 

But today marks 20 years since I ended that marriage, and it’s been on my mind for the last few months leading up to it. I mean, 20 years is kind of a big deal in general, but this anniversary also marks the beginning of my ex being out of my life longer than he was in it.

Weirdly, though, it’s not him that I’ve been thinking about as this date approached — but rather, her. “Her”, for those of you who don’t know, refers to the woman he left me for, after what I found out was a long, ongoing affair. An affair that was going on basically right under my nose. And ironically it was not because they were being very discreet about it. But since I knew her, and trusted him it wasn’t that difficult.

And what I’ve been thinking MOST about lately is how much power (SO. MUCH. POWER.) I let this woman hold over me for more than a decade after I ended my marriage.

And she didn’t even know I had been idealizing her ever since I found out about their affair.

It’s a complicated thing when marriage ends with infidelity. Friends would say to me, “What are you mad at her for? If he didn’t want to cheat there would have been nothing she could do — be mad at him”! And believe me, I was. I was REALLY mad at him.



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